Picture this: Do you enjoy traveling? What destinations have you taken time to investigate, plan and look forward to? Possibly you are planning to travel outside the country right? If you are lucky, your travel agent could get you all the necessary information that you will need to make your travel as hassle free as possible. However, most Kenyans, plan their own destinations, they will go through the trouble of finding hotels, good deals with restaurants and taxis etc. In the same way, Marriage could be somehow equated to a journey; A Journey that takes more than applying for the license. It requires precision, dedication and concise decision making skills and hopefully, you will have enough time to consult, pray, plan and resource your destination.
I share these five steps that I have discovered as Don and I embarked on this journey five years ago. Its a journey that we have purposed to go through it successfully.
The first step in your journey is
As you start or begin your journey, be open and ready to discover and uncover things about yourself that you did not know. Moreover, things about your spouse that you may not have known. The discovery stage is usually exciting, fun and full of anticipation. It’s usually dreamy and characterized with optimism. Enjoy this part of the journey and have lots of fun. You may not like what you see however, remember Discovery is not a destination by itself, it’s part of the journey.
It’s important to know your destination. Be prepared to speak into your destination. Remember just as much as you plan for a trip to Cairo, Egypt or Naples India, So should you know that you are in this relationship for the long haul. Make up your mind; determine within yourself before you start this journey that it should end in happiness, you are only responsible for what you give. Make up your mind to give all. Determine that this is the man or woman worth this destination. Is this the man, I want to wake up with even when am toothless and bald? Is this the relationship that I want to bless others with?
Your destination will determine your attitude and Altitude.
DETACH FROM YOUR PAST…
It’s easy to say that you have deleted all old ex’s and others but still have them lingering on your face book and twitter pages and you keep checking up on updates. It may even mean changing the songs on your iPod’s playlists! This may sound a bit legalistic but I can assure you that this thing, this person, ends up being sub-consciously in competition with your new relationship; it’s very easy in the heat of the moment to remember you now have an opportunity to make new memories, new songs. Detached yourself, de-link and move on.
You ask how do I do that? First get rid of everything that reminds you or draws you back to that relationship, old jewellery, rings, etc. Second, release the memories by acknowledging the impact they have had on you through prayer. Ask God to help you forgive them and even forgive yourself. Lastly, Move on gracefully.
DESIRE TO BE THE SOLUTION TO SEXUAL INTIMACY
Remember that in this marriage you have chosen him/her to fulfil your intimate needs/desires. I normally share with my friends that I do not need toys because am “his toy,” literally.
Fulfilling your responsibility as wife/husband will require creativity, communication and being candid.
As a woman, be willing to be creative in the kitchen and in the bedroom. As a man be willing to receive and give even when the “football game is on”. At the beginning of your marriage it’s easy to find that a couple may find it hard to specify their needs and desires of their intimate sessions. That is why I talk to ladies about a “LAMEAD LOVE MENU”. Just like your favourite restaurant serves ala carte or buffets, think of coming up with a-la-carte menus for your intimate date nights. Specify WHERE, WHEN, HOW, etc. This will help you communicate your needs (especially if you are shy to explain) you can imagine if your husband has read that the neck is a soft spot for a woman and continually keeps kissing it whereas this just annoys the hell out of you..
One area that was very difficult for me was disclosing my past. Yes, I had a past… Actually a very colourful past. I had been there, done that. It’s really rare for the man to be squeaky clean and the lady to have a postcard from every city that your body has visited.
Don and I decided that the basis of our marriage is truth and confidence. It is really harrowing when you have to try and remember the very details that embarrass and expose you to the person that you love the most and moreover you want to earn trust, confidence and integrity with. However, disclosure for us began a new level of intimacy…. Vulnerability and total reliance on God. I began to see the God of my salvation in a new way… the way I had sold myself short and how many times He saved me from foolishness and foolish behaviours. So how do you disclose you ask? You can go out on date night and discuss, past relationships, past encounters, even business deals, surgeries, pregnancies, diseases etc. This information is critical to build intimacy and trust in Marriage. After disclosure you may want to see a marriage counsellor, pastor etc depending on the how weighty the issues were. Most women I have walked through this feel a sense of ‘load off the shoulders’. Finally, do not use what has been disclosed as a tool to injure, humiliate and ridicule your mate during the marriage, instead use this information as prayer items, means to encourage and build your marriage.
DETERMINE TO WIN
Think of it this way, in the relay races at the Olympics the winning teams purpose to win and focus on winning not at the end of the race but during the training camps, during tryout sessions and at the start of the race. They do not Psyche themselves to win the race at the end but in the beginning. They run together with a WINNER MENTALITY.
In marriage, these requires that same attitude, a winner’s attitude. Determination will make you think creatively, deliver the impossible and look for solutions where they have not been done before.
Allowing yourself to partner with only other winning couples that have a similar vision and mission in marriage.
Believing that this marriage can work and should work.
About the Author
Cynthia Wambui Otieno is a Wife, Mother, Pastor and Founder of The Lamead Network Trust.. La -Mead means to ignite. Her life’s Purpose is to enrich and empower the woman to achieve her full Potential.
Cynthia is a Trained Special Education Teacher, Passionate about Women and loves to spend her spare time cooking and traveling with her family. Reach out to Cynthia with your relationship questions, Dilemmas and discussions and she will be happy to walk you through the issues.